Useless Regrets and Wishes

I wrote this for the one person who taught me how to be a fighter.

Time has passed. Still I’m waiting for you to light back my darkened world. Should have known then what know now. I should have paid attention when you talked. I should have given you more time. I should have gone to your gigs and events; I didn’t realize that they were so important to you. I should have thanked you for exerting effort with the candle-lit dinner, it was really good. I should have seen your effort to when you waited under the storm just to bring me an umbrella. I should have seen you play, they said you were MVP. I should have embraced you when you failed, I believed you when you said that you can manage. I should have been there when you cried your heart out. I should have been there to help you. I should have encouraged you to stand up and fight. I should have watched your transformation from a war-freak to my very ideal. I should have laughed with you when you triumphed. I should have given you more worth. I should have shown you how much you mean to me. I should have told you more often that I love you more than anything else. I should have figured out that sometimes, you can’t handle your problems alone. I should have gone with you that night. I would have told you not to drink too much. I would have taken you home. I should have gone there and picked you up and not let you drive because you’re too drunk.

If I still have you with me, I would have hugged you tighter. Hold your hand and never let you go. I would often to talk to you even if we reach daybreak. I would go to your gigs wearing that ring you gave me. I would wash the dishes after the candle-lit dinner. I would walk under the storm with you until we reach my apartment. I would bring a banner every time you play and shout as loud as I could every time you make a point. I would tell you that even if you fail, you have me. I would embrace you and cry with you if you lose. I would cancel every meeting I have just to be there and offer a helping hand. I would give you all the support u need. I would thank you for transforming so that my parents would like you but tell you that I love you even if you catch a fight every week. I would laugh with you whenever you win. I would tell you that I’m so proud of you. I would tell you that u make me fall for you more every time you sing. I would learn the song that you wrote for me. I would let you feel that you’re very important to me. I would never leave your unit not unless you tell me what’s wrong. I would tell you that I love you at any given time or place. I would go with you when you go out. I would stop you from drinking way too much. I would take you home and make sure that you’re safe in you bed.

But these useless regrets can never do anything now. They said when you were in the ambulance on the way to the hospital; you asked them to tell me that you love me. I love you too. I would die a thousand deaths just to have you back, if that could bring you back even just for 2 minutes. Just to hear you say again that you love me.

I wanna take you back to the place where we first met. I remember perfectly that night. I was too drunk and accidentally scratched your car and you saw that. But you didn’t ask for any payment, just a date with me. Who wouldn’t accept that bargain? I was just a date, I told myself. But what I didn’t expect was you meant: A DATE NOW, RIGHT NOW. I had to cancel my night out with my girl friends. I was kinda hesitant because you looked like somebody I just couldn’t trust in the time of my tipsiness. I drank way beyond my limit and fell asleep so you took me to your unit because u didn’t know where I lived. When I woke up in the morning, I was intact. You never took advantage. I looked for you because I remember that the last person I was with was you. I could not be mistaken. Then I found you in the couch sleeping so subtly. I stared at you for quite a while admiring your abs, admiring the star tattoo in your neck. I noticed the angelic face in spite the rocker image. I admitted you look better in the morning. You opened your eyes and gave me the sweetest smile. It made my heart stop beating. That was how I remember meeting you.

The next thing I know was me going out with you more often. Wherever you were, i was there. There was even that time you stole me from the party and took me to the highest peak in Cebu. Your reason was you saw me bored to death in the party but you brought along with you a bottle of red wine (my fave!!!) and some chips while admiring the lanterns and the buildings and the romantic city lights… We sat there and admired the part of Cebu where we both grew up. We were talking nonsense when you told me that you were moving on one step higher - FALLING IN LOVE with the prettiest girl in school. I figured out that you were referring to Jenna. Then you took this silver ring from your pocket and told me that you were gonna give that ring to that girl. I was shattered but tried to project a smile. You stood up and said that we should get going. You went along and I was left there. As I opened the door leading to the staircase, I saw the ring and a note on the floor that said, “to the prettiest girl I laid my eyes on… if you accept, come down the stairway and meet me in the car. If you wont, might as well stay there on the in the mountain.. take notice: you don't have anything to …” Bastard! I had no choice but to come to you but you know, in a heartbeat, I would.

A week before your crash, we got into an argument. Basically, it was just a petty issue but I don’t know what went wrong that it worsened. I said a lot of things that I shouldn’t have said. And you could not take any more of it so you finally spoke. That you were longing for me, the old me that you fell in love with. That I was too preoccupied with going after my dreams that I neglected you the time you should have gotten. And while I was running after what I wanted, you were running after me but I never saw you that’s why you sought consolation from your friends. Then she came along. You said you never had anything with her but my friends told me otherwise. They saw you together in the dance floor with a different kind of tension so they took a picture shot of you and showed me. a picture tells a thousand stories, you know. I told you right there and then that I was breaking up with you, that I never wanted to see your face again. And I walked out.

For days, you tried to explain but I never heard you out. I never gave you the chance. And what happened next was you started your heavy drinking again. It only drove u farther from me. Then one night, I got a call from your brother that you were in the hospital because your car was hit by a truck and you were too drunk to step on the breaks.

I wish we could start all over again. I wish you were here. I wish I had the chance to kiss you again. I wish I could have just heard you out. Every part of me is aching for you. I guess I just miss you and I still have you in my heart. And you’ll always have that place that is just yours alone; which nobody can ever replace. You were the one who taught me how to be brave, how to run after my dreams, how to be patient. How to fight back when I was being maltreated, how to love myself more. Now I realize what you told me…. “you’re ready now. Now, you’re strong enough to withstand anything….” You we’re molding me to be somebody better. The only thing you didn’t teach me was to let go of you.

I still wear your ring.
I miss you Chase.

Credits: My Applicant

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